One year later

It's been a busy, out-of-breath, sore arms, loud house, full heart kind of year. I've been weak, sick, tired, stressed out, but God has given me strength, joy, hope and encouragement.

Samuel James was born on October 19, 2012 - little brother to Josiah (almost 4), the wiggliest baby ever, a lover and a fighter. He was born in an intensely beautiful natural waterbirth, and I will forever be grateful for how peacefully he entered this world. The labor nurse and midwife agreed it was the calmest birth they'd witnessed - all praise to God for that one! He gave me such strength, rest, and peace, and all I learned from birthing Sam stays with me as I continue this labor of motherhood.

Life lessons from labor:

1. God's peace and calm lessen the sting of pain - stress and worry only heightens it
2. Rest when you can! Us mommies never know how much we'll sleep on any given night, or when baby will wake up from a nap. Enjoy those times of rest to the fullest - even if it's just a breath between a contraction. :)
3. Meditate on God's Word - soak it in through prayer, music, reading, talking about it - it is our bread, our sustenance.
4. When in doubt, turn on some calming music and take a bath! Getting in that birthing tub right before transition was so relaxing - and us mamas need to just take some time out every once in awhile. :)

Family photos from Memorial Day 2012:

Hopefully I'll be back more often in the year to come - I look forward to sharing more of what God is doing in my life and in my family!

Peace...

Preparing my Heart

My mind races, constantly coming back to thoughts of how to prepare for our baby. So many things to consider: the boys' room arrangement, baby supplies, daycare options, Christmas shopping, preparing meals, activities for J while I'm recovering, and so much more. My to-do list grows and grows as the day we will meet S nears.

My thoughts betray me: I tend to be a Martha. I'm rushing around trying to do it all, and yet maybe I just need to sit at Jesus' feet and be a Mary. The tasks will be accomplished in due time, but if I don't take the time now to prepare my heart to mother two sweet boys, when will I?

My mind betrays my sin, my pride, my lack of trust that God will provide. To accomplish something, to get things done - is that really my goal? Really my heart just longs to be ready, to be a godly mother, to love ad enjoy my family. My real life is hidden in Christ, not hidden in tasks. So my preparation for baby must focus on Christ, not just on tasks. And as I focus on Him, the tasks will be done with greater joy, for His honor.

Loving Father, thank you for this discipline, for how You're training my heart. Take me, mold me, prepare me, expand my capacity to love. As I learn to live the real life You've given me, equip me for every good work. Help me to set aside the selfishness, the desire to control, and rely on Your strength, patience, and provision. Thank you for the incredible gifts my boys are, and for how You use them to grow me. Thank you for the example of Your sacrificial love, for showing me how to lay down my life and take up my cross. And thank you that this hard love is always worth it - You're always worth it.

Getting Real with Myself

"And the beauty is not in the circumstance or the label but the fact that in His graciousness He is here with me anyway, regardless of the circumstance or the way I choose to view it. The grace of being near to Him in trial, as long as I can chose to see it, is certainly the greatest grace of all." ~ Katie Davis

I make mighty good garlic mashed potatoes. And homemade enchiladas (with homemade tortillas). I'm a homemaker-wanna-be with a full-time job and an incredibly active 2-year-old. Sometimes it gets exhausting, trying to pretend to be what I'm not.

But maybe it's okay to be 4/7 working mama and 3/7 stay-at-home mama. Maybe it's where God has placed me for now, and I should be grateful for this gift. Because really, I'm 24/7 near to Him, and it's all grace. Sure, I have dreams to someday work beyond a cubicle and not stare at a screen 30 hours a week. But for now, for such a time as this, I'm here. And He's near. And I'm grateful.

So I'm gonna cut my homemaking self some slack, and realize I can't make everything from scratch. And I won't even pretend that I can keep my house clean. I'm going to stop with the fears that I'm not good enough, because God makes me adequate. I'm going to stop being a control-freak mama and realize that Jesus is the one who holds it all together - so I don't have to.

Phew, it feels good to be real. I think I need to let go more often.

Seeing the grace and drawing near...
381. Amazing Creator God
384. Patience in a long night
387. Rainforest Cafe with my boys
388. Time with a sister
391. Sweet small group girls
392. Kyle getting off work to take J to urgent care
394. Snap peas and hummus
395. Phone call at work from my boys
398. Morning prayers of praise
399. The Son who created all things and holds them together!
400. Coming out even on taxes
401. The hubs helping with dishes and doing taxes
402. A full night's sleep
405. Spelling with J
407. Homemade enchiladas
409. Dreaming of summertime
410. Planning the garden
413. Applebees with my boys and MIL

Be Still

"Life is not an emergency." ~ Ann Voskamp

Life is usually busy; but it doesn't need to be an emergency. As I grow in thankfulness, I also grow in peace and joy. I learn to see, to appreciate, to slow down my thoughts even if my hands or feet are still moving quickly. Maybe we can always "be still" in our hearts, so that we can always know that God is God. Isn't stress just a refusal to trust that God is in control?

I'll admit, sometimes mothering a two-year-old feels like one emergency after another. The disobedience, hitting, yelling, and messes come like a flood some days, until my soul aches from being wound so tightly. But with the Lord's help, I can be still in the storm. Because of His grace, the emergencies can turn into moments to grow. Because of His sacrifice, my aching soul can learn to be still, to keep on loving, to keep on praising.

Be still with me... with Him?

The rain keeps on falling and the gifts are a flood...
318. Back rub from the hubs
319. His help with getting J to sleep
320. An understanding boss when J was sick
321. Days at home to rest and heal
322. Fluffy snowflakes falling softly
323. New friends that feel like old ones
324. J singing "Deep and Wide"
325. J helping me recite Colossians 1:1
326. A zoo trip with my aunt and cousin
327. The amazing creativity of God (dragon seahorses, anyone?)
328. Kyle watching J during girls' night
329. Laughter and so much fun with sisters
330. Being pampered
331. Open, honest friends
332. Brownies & ice cream & berries
333. A good work week for the hubs
334. Strength from God's glorious might (Col. 1:11)
335. A share in the inheritance of the kingdom of light - incredible! (Col. 1:12)
336. Sunny, warmer, longer days
337. Good bread and butter
338. A date night at "our place"
339. Renewed love
340. Melting snow, sunshine & puddles
341. Truffles and a butter crock
342. Kisses and "Happy Vawentimes Day" from J
343. A sermon that touches my heart
344. Spontaneous dinner w/ the in-laws
345. Uninterrupted sleep

Toddler Translation, Springtime, and Being Set Apart

Some of the words I don't want to forget as my little one grows older...

Grandma = Numna
Grandpa = Bapa
Great-Grandma = Nat-na
Scott = Dot
Sarah = Waa-wa
Doggy = Dadu
Cat = Num (Don't know where that came from??)
Bug = Bim
Stuffed lion = Dude
Basketball = Ba-baball
Baseball = Ba-ball
Go outside = Mail
Sandbox = Duurt
Elmo = Melmo
Mickey = Mi-mey

I am so amazed at all of the words he's learning, and starting to put together! He understands so much now, and will be carrying on conversations soon! :) We are beginning to deal with some of the "terrible two's" as he "asserts his independence" through tantrums and answering every question with "no". At the same time, he often obeys simple commands, and we are praying that he will grow in obedience!

It has been so fun to get outside more this Spring. We planted our first vegetable garden 2 weeks ago (in a beautiful raised bed, thanks to my wonderful hubs!), and are already starting to see some plants growing! We're looking forward to fresh lettuce, spinach, peas, carrots, and beans this summer. :)

On a more personal note, please pray for my walk with the Lord. I have been convicted about so many things, but am having a hard time putting changes into practice. I'm beginning to be discouraged and lose the burning passion I felt for Him just weeks ago. I feel like big changes are coming, but then lose heart when they are just baby steps, and more waiting... May He shake up this life and make it set apart for His glory! May He be the center of all I do, and may every distraction become worthless to me, compared to the riches of His grace!

Consider with me the incredible gift we've been given...

"As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature objects of wrath.

But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus.

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."

Eph 2:1-10

Let's celebrate the life we have been given! Let's put to death our selfish desires and do the good works God has prepared for us! Why waste time on the idols of Hollywood, of the Internet, of drinking, or catering to the expectations of others? God's opinion is the only one that matters in the end! The work we do for Him is the only work that lasts!

One last quote that really hit me this week...

"We must look upon the world, with all its delights and all its attractions, with suspicion and reserve. We are called to a higher Kingdom, we are touched with a diviner Spirit. It is not that He forbids us this or that comfort or indulgence; it is not that He is stern, demanding us to follow a narrow path. But we who love our Lord and whose affections are set on Heavenly things voluntarily and gladly lay aside the things that charm and ravish the world, that, for our part, our hearts may be ravished with the things of Heaven that our whole being may be poured forth in constant and unreserved devotion in the service of the Lord who died to save us." - Amy Charmichael, God's Missionary

Family Planning, Part 3

After re-reading the theology of family planning at silentvoices.org (see the direct link in Part 2 below), I don't think I have much to add! So I've decided not to waste time re-doing the hard work they've already done, and just direct you there, to your Bible, to your significant other, and to your brothers and sisters in Christ to research God's view of family planning. :) I've been thinking long and hard about what to post in Part 3 now. I want to share about three things: God's love and forgiveness, my current struggle to trust God with family planning, and the great wisdom of God.

I don't have it all together. On a topic as touchy as family planning, I just want you to know there is no condemnation here for those who are seeking to follow Jesus. If you have made choices you regret, there is abundant love and grace in the arms of Jesus! Tell Him you realize you were wrong, turn away from doing wrong, and follow Him! If you aren't sure what decisions to make, let Him make them for you. "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." (Prov. 3:5-6).

That said, I have a confession to make, which some of you have heard before. I am so much more nervous to get pregnant with baby #2 than I was for #1. The Lord must have given me a gift of faith before #1, because I had very few fears or worries before or after we got pregnant with J. I trusted that God would provide, and that we were in His will. I am having a hard time trusting God, now that I can "count the cost" of having a child. I have no clue how things will change once we have two kids. I have no clue if we have enough money, or energy, or mental ability. I am so worried about me, it's just ridiculous. God provided when we had one meager income, one tiny apartment, and a very new marriage. He will provide again. Please pray with me that God will help my husband and I to trust Him with our next child (if another one is His will), and that He will provide!

The most important thing I have learned as I have studied God's views of family planning: "the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength" (1 Cor. 1:25). God always knows better than I do. And he definitely knows better than the ways of the world. I've found myself examining the different facets of my life to see if I am following man's "wisdom" or God's Wisdom. Am I lusting after things, success, power, or recognition? Or am I desiring the incorruptible treasures God longs to share with me? Am I trying to do life all by myself, my own way (or trying to be someone else)? Or am I giving my life over to God, seeking His narrow path? (1 Jn 2:16-18)

This passage showed me so clearly that God's wisdom can definitely plan my family:
Prov. 8:27-33
I [wisdom] was there when he [God] set the heavens in place,
when he marked out the horizon on the face of the deep,
when he established the clouds above
and fixed securely the fountains of the deep,
when he gave the sea its boundary
so the waters would not overstep his command,
and when he marked out the foundations of the earth.
Then I was the craftsman at his side.
I was filled with delight day after day,
rejoicing always in his presence,
rejoicing in his whole world
and delighting in mankind.
"Now then, my sons, listen to me;
blessed are those who keep my ways.
Listen to my instruction and be wise;
do not ignore it."

Lord, help Your people to turn from man's wisdom to Your wisdom. Help us to live radically different lives that shine Your light and love to the world. Let us not become complacent with traditions, rituals, or expectations, but to seek correction and discipline from You that we might become like You. Let us truly be Your hands and feet, Father. Amen.

Tips for New Mamas - Part 1

I was one of the first among my friends to get pregnant and have a baby, and so I have solicited lots of advice and done a lot of research throughout this journey. Some friends have asked for advice on various pregnancy/motherhood topics, and so I want to document what I have learned so that hopefully more friends can be blessed. I am still learning so much, but I have also learned some things along the way...

Money:
1. Babies don't need as much as you think they do. And even though you want to buy them all kinds of cute toys and clothes, you will eventually be trying to get rid of it all when they have outgrown them! Keep a long-term perspective when buying baby items.
2. Buy neutral. If you may have more babies in the future, try to buy at least the "big" items (stroller, car seats, carriers, etc.) in neutral colors so they can be re-used for future babies.
3. Most valuable purchases for us: BumGenius 3.0 diapers (24, doing laundry every other day), Ergo baby carrier (don't buy the infant insert though - it is worthless), Medela breastpump (Breastfeeding saves soo much money. Formula is expensive!!)
4. Don't be afraid to borrow or accept hand-me-down's! Ask your family members, friends, co-workers if they have old baby things they want to get rid of. Our crib, changing table, rocker, most baby clothes, and most toys were hand-me-down's from various people. Sure, you will get hand-me-down's that you don't like - but you can throw what you don't like, and keep the rest!
5. Garage sales, thrift stores, and consignment shops are great for maternity clothes, baby clothes, and toys. You can find like-new things, and pay a fraction of the price.
6. Don't be cheap on the important things, and on items that will be used frequently. It is worth it to make the investment up-front on car seats, strollers, diapers, breastpump, carriers, etc.
7. For maternity clothes, look through what is already in your closet - especially when you aren't too big yet. I found lots of shirts that were flowy enough or long enough to work until the 7th month! Also, a belly band is great - it basically looks like a tube top that fits around your waist, and allows you to wear normal jeans and pants unzipped for much of the pregnancy. Also, now that I'm not pregnant, I still shop to find clothes that will work normally or during prenancy. :)

Morning Sickness
1. Experiment to find out what works for you. It's a different experience for everyone!
2. For me, the thing that helped most was eating small meals/snacks frequently. If I let myself get hungry, I would usually get sick. Keep healthy snacks on hand - fruit, dried fruit, crackers, yogurt, hard boiled eggs...
3. Having some sort of protein in the morning helped. I got into the habit of eating a thing of yogurt every morning when I got to work, and I would feel so much better.
4. Rest!! If possible, take a nap. Let your husband take care of things around the house... or just let it go for awhile. :)
5. Extra Vitamin B seemed to help. This is available in popsicle/sucker/pill form.
6. Peppermint also helped, especially if I was just beginning to get nauseous. Peppermint tea, gum, mints, whatever!
7. Apparently ginger can help - I never tried it though.
8. I threw up a lot, so I always carried a ziploc bag in my purse - just in case!
9. Eat what sounds good. If nothing sounds good, eat something bland anyway.
10. Avoid smells that bother you. (duh!)

That's all for now! Please add your money or morning sickness tips if you have any!

Open Hands

Last month, my sweet little baby learned to roll everywhere. It was so funny to watch him roll across the room to reach a toy - or just for the fun of moving! This month, he has graduated to crawling. Every time I set him down, whether on the floor, the changing table, or in his crib, he rolls onto his round little belly and tries to start crawling. He loves to move! No longer can I set him down with a toy and walk away to grab something - he is into the window blinds, the DVD player, the bookshelf, or banging his head on some sharp corner of furniture.

I delight in seeing my baby boy learn new things! It brings such a fullness to my heart to see him developing and learning. And yet with each new development in his live, I know that I am giving up a little bit of control. As he learns to move, he no longer depends on me to carry him everywhere. He doesn't need me to get his toys. And I know that all of motherhood will be like this. Before I know it, he will be feeding himself, walking, talking, going off to school... and I will lose a little bit of my grasp on his life. And so my goal is to parent with an "open hand". Just as my life is in God's hand, my son's life rests there too. I don't need to be in control, because his Heavenly Father is. I don't need to be a perfect mother, because he has a perfect Father.

"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?" Matt. 6:26

This week (well, probably much longer than that...) I've been struggling with feeling "not good enough". There are so many incredible moms out there who buy organic, make their own cleaning products, cook well, always have the house clean, entertain well, discipline well, etc. and I am not them. But I'm learning that just as I delight in every little thing my son does, my Father delights in me, too. Every time I turn my face to Him and plead for His help, He is glorified. Every time I cook, fold clothes, do dishes, write an e-mail for Him - He is glorified. He delights in the little things I do, because I am His. Of course, just as my heart aches when my son disobeys (yes, he is already a little sinner!), God's heart aches for me when I disobey Him. And the incredible thing is - I am forgiven. He has already wiped my sins away with the blood of His Son, and He sees me as perfect and beautiful.

"The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." Zeph. 3:17

Father, quiet our busy hearts with Your love today. Help us to replace the lies that we are not good enough with Your singing. Help us to live with open hands, knowing that You are in control of all things. Amen.