Preparing my Heart

My mind races, constantly coming back to thoughts of how to prepare for our baby. So many things to consider: the boys' room arrangement, baby supplies, daycare options, Christmas shopping, preparing meals, activities for J while I'm recovering, and so much more. My to-do list grows and grows as the day we will meet S nears.

My thoughts betray me: I tend to be a Martha. I'm rushing around trying to do it all, and yet maybe I just need to sit at Jesus' feet and be a Mary. The tasks will be accomplished in due time, but if I don't take the time now to prepare my heart to mother two sweet boys, when will I?

My mind betrays my sin, my pride, my lack of trust that God will provide. To accomplish something, to get things done - is that really my goal? Really my heart just longs to be ready, to be a godly mother, to love ad enjoy my family. My real life is hidden in Christ, not hidden in tasks. So my preparation for baby must focus on Christ, not just on tasks. And as I focus on Him, the tasks will be done with greater joy, for His honor.

Loving Father, thank you for this discipline, for how You're training my heart. Take me, mold me, prepare me, expand my capacity to love. As I learn to live the real life You've given me, equip me for every good work. Help me to set aside the selfishness, the desire to control, and rely on Your strength, patience, and provision. Thank you for the incredible gifts my boys are, and for how You use them to grow me. Thank you for the example of Your sacrificial love, for showing me how to lay down my life and take up my cross. And thank you that this hard love is always worth it - You're always worth it.

This baby's growing me

Baby has been growing my heart for 21 weeks. As I grow him in my womb, I think more often about who I am, and who God wants me to be. Growing him makes me long to be more, to be all I can for my sons and husband and the world and God.

When there's no grace, wanting to be better can be dangerous, can lead to depression and anger and bitterness that I'm not who I want to be. It can lead to outward perfectionism and inward selfishness. And when there's grace (and it's always abundantly available!), this desire to grow leads to conviction, gratefulness, and growth through the power of God.

I haven't always embraced grace on this journey. I've wallowed in self-pity and been consumed by the nausea. Time with God was pushed aside as I focused on surviving - but what kind of life is it without him? And God used this baby to push me higher, to deeply desire more. I'm convinced that thirst and wanting are an essential part of knowing God - and that He will joyfully fill those who ask.

The challenge is to move from the thirsting to the asking, because so often I try to procure life-giving water out of nothing, and only God can do that. I'm coming to the Table thirsty, asking for more, needing more of Him... join me?

Falling in Love

It's been awhile. The non-essentials have been pushed aside during this season of life, in which I grow a person inside of my body and at the same time care for my toddler and love my husband.

During sixteen weeks of growing this sweet baby, I've been working on prioritizing. I've been stretched, overwhelmed, nauseous, and so blessed. I've seen God pour out His love and mercy on me in so many ways. I've been blessed with family and friends who help and encourage me. I've grown to love and appreciate my wonderful husband in a whole new way. And I've fallen in love with my newest little one who's poking and tickling my insides and is apparently the size of a turnip now.